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			<h1>&quot;I&apos;ll always back you up.&quot;</h1>
			<p>Day 00875: Saturday, 2017 July 29</p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I learned a new word today: lithsexual.
		Lithsexual people experience sexual attraction, but if the object of their affection likes them back, they lose their attraction.
		Ouch.
		I would say I&apos;m glad not to be like that, but I&apos;ve never been in a relationship, so I guess I can&apos;t be sure.
		I hope I&apos;m not.
		If I turn out to be, I think I&apos;m going to start crying again.
		It&apos;s bad enough having sexuality at all, but having desires that can never be filled?
		That&apos;d be torture.
	</p>
	<p>
		Today, I was dealing with a rude customer that knew they were supposed to order at the menu board, but for some unspecified reason, didn&apos;t want to.
		They just came up to the window and waited, expecting someone to come help them.
		I&apos;d told them I&apos;d be right with them through the speaker, but then they drove past, so I thought they were just a drive-by.
		We frequently have people leave other businesses through our drive-through, so it&apos;s not unexpected to have several drive-bys in a day.
		For example, people drop stuff off at the donation centre behind the second-hand store next door, then get back to the street through our drive-through lane.
		Once their presence at the window was made known to me, I explained to them that we don&apos;t have sensors at the window, the sensors are at the menu board.
		If you skip the menu board, we don&apos;t know you&apos;re there.
		They insisted that I <strong>*did*</strong> know they were there, as I&apos;d asked them to wait.
		In other words, they knew very well that they were to wait at the menu board, but were getting mad at me because they didn&apos;t follow instructions and didn&apos;t follow basic drive-through protocol.
		Trying to learn to be more assertive, I told them off a bit, though not too badly, explaining how if they skip the menu board, they can&apos;t expect service right away.
		It could be hours before we notice them (that part was an exaggeration, but whatever).
		One of the shift leaders overheard a bit, and asked if I wanted them to speak to the customer.
		I was thankful, and said that not even the head manager will actually stand behind me with customers that refuse to follow the procedure.
		After talking to the customer, they told me &quot;Fuck customers like that. I&apos;ll always back you up.&quot;.
		It made me so happy to know that someone has my back, and someone is actually taking their management responsibilities seriously.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		When I first discovered the validity of my feminine side, I reached a state of near bliss for a couple days and had no desire whatsoever for a partner.
		I reached a kind of wholeness, and no longer needed another person to complete me.
		Soon though, I broke my feminine side off into a separate fragment of my mind, and that sent me back into mood swings.
		In any case, now that I&apos;ve reintegrated my parts, I&apos;m going to try to reach that state of near bliss again.
		Eventually, I&apos;ll try to man hunt and find myself a husband, but for now, I don&apos;t know how long I&apos;ll be alone.
		I need to feel right and feel whole on my own, without help.
		And when I eventually find a man, he can supplement me, not complete me.
		That should make for a healthier and less-clingy relationship, to be honest.
		I think that the key is that I need to be treated better.
		I have unmet needs that my instincts say should be met by my partner.
		However, aside from the penis up my butt and the cuddling, there&apos;s no actual reason I can&apos;t meet my own needs.
		I can reclaim my identity and reclaim my independence.
		I just need to start treating myself the way I would want my partner to treat me.
	</p>
	<p>
		It&apos;s worth noting too that in weakness, I kept trying to find more I could compromise just so I wouldn&apos;t have to be alone.
		I shouldn&apos;t need to do that any more.
		If a partner isn&apos;t a good fit for me, I need to leave them behind.
		I cannot compromise and live in a nonvegan household, for example.
		I don&apos;t have to be weak; I can go it alone, if I have to.
		And I probably will.
		Gay people are rare and vegans are rare.
		Look at that tiny overlap, then cut it in half (as I need a gay man, not a gay woman).
		From there, we have to actually have personalities that go well together.
		I&apos;m told bottoms like myself are common amongst gays, while tops are rare.
		So that cuts the dating pool even smaller.
		I&apos;m not going to find love, but now, I&apos;m not sure that I need to.
	</p>
	<p>
		The main needs I was thinking about at work were small, occasional tokens of affection and standing up for me.
		Who knows what tiny trinkets I&apos;d enjoy more then myself?
		I totally have that covered until I find a man, if that day comes.
		As for standing up for me ... I&apos;m going to need to learn to be more assertive.
		I need to stand up for myself and stop letting people walk on me.
		I don&apos;t need to be mean about it, but I do need to find the words to make my needs known and to not back down.
		I guess, as I need a man, I&apos;m going to have to become more manly.
		I never thought I&apos;d ever say that.
		I&apos;m told masculine gay men are in high demand but short supply.
		If I become more masculine by being everything I need, I might actually make myself more attractive to others.
		It might make <strong>*others*</strong> willing to compromise to be with <strong>*me*</strong>.
		I refuse to give up my femininity, but I might strike a more-even balance than stereotypical gay men achieve.
	</p>
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